After my son was born, since I was woozy and passed out from the sedation, everyone else in the immediate family saw him before I did. And even when I saw him I didn’t feel what I expected – a gush of love so strong and powerful that nothing else would compare. My husband seemed to have bonded much faster than I did. Through the first couple of months of endless feeding and cleaning I guess my son and I took our first tentative steps (obviously metaphoric in his case) towards understanding each other and maybe liking.
My son is six months old now. And today as I watch him, I am touched by myriad emotions. At times his air of fragility and vulnerability annoy me, make me angry. Nobody should be so weak, so defenceless. How will I protect him, not just from the rest of the world but even from me and my moods?
Do read the entire piece.
3 comments:
it has been difficult for me. I had general anesthesia for my c-section because they could not place the spinal (I have a very bad curvature of the spine). so I woke up a full hour after the birth. honestly, that baby could have been anyones baby, but I had to trust that it was my own, even though she looked nothing like me. this disconnect was harder on me than I could have imagined. I missed the birth of my own child!
it is only now, 7 weeks later, now that she really does look more like a cross between my husband and me that it is sinking in. for weeks I felt like an overtired babysitter. now that she is laughing and her eyes look like mine, I can really understand that I am a mother. the other day she laughed and laughed and finally I felt that elusive kind of love that I had been waiting for.
but it was terrible those first few weeks... everyone asking me "aren't you just in love?" well, I cared for her, I loved her... but there was not this deep emotional bond. I already felt like a shitty mother because I could not breastfeed, and then I felt empty because I was not gushing about the baby. now it is much better. but I am glad other people are talking about this.
Jess, I'm both happy and sad that the story resonated with you. That is one of the main reasons I linked to BEV's post and I highlighted that particular portion of the story. If you remember, I'd expressed similar feelings in my post-partum blues post after Little n was born (http://blogpourri.blogspot.com/2007/02/singing-post-partum-blues-in-minor.html). The storybook, romantic drivel we are fed about feeling such and such when a baby is born is just that - drivel. Real human emotions are so much more complex and eventually so much more satisfying because it is just to hard, this mothering process. And that is the first thing I tell friends who are ready to have babies - whether they are ready to listen to me or not. :)
I am very happy that you are starting to feel better, though. Hugs.
I think it is great people are talking about this. And yes, you did warn me, and I knew it was a possibility. So really, I felt badly about it, but I was not devastated because I knew it would pass. luckily I had good and honest friends like you and other women who told me "motherhood is not all kisses and butterflies, and that is ok!"
I wish that OBs would also tell that to the moms-to-be because not every woman has such smart friends, and many times those are the most isolated women... I feel for them.
anyway, thanks again for always being honest. we need more of that in this world! :)
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